The 5 Steps of How Not to Deal with Sadness

After going through a ridiculous amount of sad things in our lives most recently, I have learned the many ways of how not to deal. Goals for the future include.....dealing. 

So here it goes....

1. Pick a vice or shit, pick 5. You recently lost 80lbs.? How about you decide to eat anything that makes you feel good and start smoking cigars? Nothing can make you feel better than a bag of McDonalds, except 5 billion other things. 

2. Completely stop working out. Exercise, you say? That sounds dumb! How about I move the least amount as possible. Who needs muscle when you can have all of that soft fat to keep you warm and cozy. It helps your mental state, you say? I like existing in my sadness, thank you very much!

3. Whatever you do, don't go to church. Why would you want to be around your loving church body and hear messages of hope? How about you just decide to add a faith crisis to your already broken heart. Sound just about right....

4. Get in fights with your loved ones. Cuz hey, who needs those healthy relationships with the ones closest to you. Let's all hurt together, because you are hurting. I know that the best way to feel supported through hard times is to cause more pain. 

5. Just completely alienate yourself and believe that no one can understand. How in the world can anyone understand what it is like to lose someone you love or a child or have a loved one be sick? These problems are only ones that you uniquely experience so choosing to be alone with that reality, feels like a wise decision. 

You are now fully informed about how not to deal with sadness. My suggestion is to do the opposite. 

xoxo

The Day My Heart Broke and Other Thoughts on Adoption

For those that don't know, Jesse and I were working on adopting a little girl that will be born in January. Our hearts soared as we thought about being parents for the first time and honestly we glamorized the adoption process. We knew that God had placed it into our hearts to adopt and it seemed like the Lord brought this situation to us.

Today we had to walk away from this adoption.

My heart just sunk as I wrote that.

It is hard to succinctly write about how I feel in this moment, besides broken, but full of hope at the same time. My heart aches for the loss of parenting this precious little girl. And when do we have a choice not to take a child? Well in our case, it was when the writing was on the wall that this adoption would never take place.

Having never been through the adoption process before, I naively thought that you just take the steps you need to take and everything falls into place. Adoption can be this way, but for the most part it is a lot of trusting, hoping, sadness, and anger all rolled up into one beautiful package. There is a lot of navigating the system that I never experienced and navigating a birth family. Navigating the birth family is the hardest of these in an independent adoption situation. I am so thankful for the professional people in our life that have helped us (our social worker and lawyer) do so and have been a barometer of sorts about what things are "normal".

The emotional process of going through adoption is like something I have never experienced. Our hearts were completely guarded, yet completely open at the same time. You are kind of living in this "I hope that...." reality. In a traditional pregnancy, I watched my friends have showers and be able to set up their nurseries as they eagerly awaited the arrival of their little one, but I found myself feeling paralyzed. Like, if I set up the nursery, what would I do if the adoption didn't go through? Have this empty space to stare at? If I buy clothes, how will I feel having to return them all, if the adoption falls through? I am not saying that preparing for a child you give birth to is any easier, it is just different. One friend told me that maybe in adoption, you just get to experience all of that joy after. I think that is probably true and wise of her to say.

In our situation, the birth grandma had custody of what would have been our child's sibling and was running the show. After several failed attempts to meet birth mom (or as we referred to - our baby mama) and lack of communication on her (grandma's) behalf, we started to see that perhaps she was keeping us as a back-up plan if she couldn't adopt this baby herself. I am not sure that I need to describe how emotionally taxing that this is, but it would have all been worth it, if the adoption was going to happen. Unfortunately, it just isn't.

Adoption, to us, is still worth it. Every tear, every heart ache, every unknown is worth the precious gift that the Lord has in store for us. So we ask that you pray with us for who that child might be. If you know of anyone that is looking for adoptive parent, please contact us! We would love to independently adopt an infant and our social worker has encouraged us to just put it out there! A lot of times, someone knows someone who knows someone, so if you do - please let Jesse and I know.

Most of all, thank you to every one in our life that celebrated with us, listened to us, hugged us, listened to us cry, and were there for us throughout all of this. Our village surrounding us is so dear to our hearts and we cannot begin to explain how much you all mean to us.

XOXO

Back on the wagon...

I'm back at it!

This week marks the triumphant return of doing what works and sweating my fat off! Paleo got thrown out the window shortly after I blogged about it and I never looked back.

I just got done working out with the awesome Anya and a SPU Staff member for circuit training - the first one back with student leaders for the year. It was a challenge, but I am feeling more on track than I have in months. It might be the deception of first day back determination, but I'll take it.

Weight. Well, last I weighed in at 244, which means I gained back about 16 pounds from my lowest (I think?). So, there is some back peddling to do, but also, I really want to weigh under 200 lbs. for my brother's wedding on March 8th. I am really motivated by the strapless gown I will be donning, but also to be under 200 lbs would be really significant to me! Even better, would be to be at my wedding weight (188 lbs.) at my brother's wedding. I remember feeling so good at my own wedding!

Any way, just a quick update about life and where I'm headed. I hope that the success can continue and I can keep my eating in check.

XOXO

Thoughts on Paleo//30 Day Challenge Thus Far...

It sucks.

Haha. But really, time consuming, super restrictive, and I don't really know what plan I am technically following so I am doing paleo basics - grass-fed/organic meats, organic veggies & fruits, nuts, and healthy fats.

Surprisingly my energy has been low and I don't feel like a different person. In reading all the blogs, you'd think that this would not be true. I will admit, it probably takes more than 5 days to get to a place where you see the impact, but I am of the opinion today, that there is NO way I can keep this style of eating up. While I love the pure/whole foods component of it, I am not so sure that legumes and brown rice, along with dairy are the devil. In fact, it is this restrictive eating that actually has caused me to develop unhealthy eating habits to begin with.

In Junior High, I started dieting. I never felt like I was thin enough, even at the low weight of 138lbs. (I'm 5'10"). My life has ebbed and flowed with this restrictive eating and subsequent binge eating. I think that is why the negative nancy is coming out in me this week - out of fear. Whenever you can't live your life as normal (normal to me is enjoying time with friends and family over meals), that tends to lead to some sort of frustration and the tendency to give up. 

We'll see how long I'll last....

REstart & the last half of my weight

This journey is all about patience. Having patience with myself when I fail and also having patience with the results. I have to say that the past couple of months have been challenging to stay on track. So many vacations (I know, poor me...) have taken me off track and my exercise has been okay - not great, not horrible.

What this means is that I have pretty much stayed stagnant with my weight loss (hovering in the 230 to 234 lb. range).

My husband on the other hand - a rockstar!! This is him near the top of Camp Muir (a Mt. Rainier trail). He is on a hiking rampage lately and totally inspires me.

Such a BABE!

So what am I going to do about this current standstill you may ask? Well, let me tell you! First - have an awesome girl's weekend with my family and friends. Every year we get together for the 7B's trip (Big Bottom Bailey Broads Bodacious Boat Bash) and have a great time! Anyway I will be enjoying this weekend and come Monday - it's on like Donkey Kong!

Insert Paleo Challenge here.

My mom, Falish, and I will be going paleo for a bit. I am excited to get my eating back to where it needs to be and see how the impacts of eating a diet free of processed foods/dairy/gluten will make me feel! Most of all, I'm ready to accomplish this second half of my weight-loss journey. My brother is getting married in March and I am determined to be at my goal weight by that time.

Here's to all the grass-fed/organic/free range meat and veggies! Here's to countless burpees and squats. And here's to the body that I'm meant to have and live in.

XOXO

Eat Crazy & See the Results

Well...back on the gain train again. Back up to 234 lbs. thanks to lax choices and vacation eating. While I am proud that I actually worked out twice on vacation, my eating was out of control. 

Moderation. Moderation. Moderation. 

Back to the gym and back to healthy eating. Praying for more self-control on weekends and the different events that come my way. 

Sunshine after the rain.

This was the reaction to this morning's weigh-in!

I think it is hilarious that we were basically wearing the same shirt this morning.

                 

Today's results were: 8.4 lbs. lost for a total of 86.4 lbs. since October 29th! 

Heck yeah, buddy! I am so thankful that the Lord has brought me this far and for my amazing accountability partner and bestie, Falishah! Today truly felt like sunshine beaming down on me after going through a long, soggy PNW winter. 

Last weigh-in re-motivated me (again) to try harder. So, I amped up my workout regime to 6 days/week and tried to cut-out some of the processed foods I had been eating. It worked! This is the moment where I am just going to say that there is something wrong with all of the processed junk we've been ingesting for years. It is crazy that you can eat the same number of calories, but eating different types of food will give you success. 

I know that research has shown time and time again the negative effects of  "diet food" or other processed items and my life is an example of that. My encouragement is to those, like me in the past, that would reach for anything low-fat, non-fat, or diet - to make a change and go for those whole foods! I've heard it said many times (most recently by my friend Rondi) to shop the outside perimeter of the grocery store - and it's true! Your blood work and the way your body feels will be a testimony in and of itself. One example for me is that I experience knee pain every time I eat a lot of sugar or flour or drink too much alcohol. So much so, that it is challenging to walk down stairs. This never happens when I am eating whole foods - not a coincidence. 

I always seem to have a bun in all these pictures...must be rushing out the door Mondays...

Being at 227.6 lbs. means that I am only 13.6 lbs. away from losing the big 1-0-0! What a day that will be! Currently, I am trying to accomplish this before Hawaii, so by July 21st. I think I can do it!

Some current victories that I have been experiencing are:

• Being able to do the side plank! This was my nemesis in circuit training and on Friday, I just did it. I was like - "ummm....cool....guess I can do this now!" and then got a high-five from Anya. 
• Going further on my Tuesday jogs. Hey, it was .10 miles further, but it is a start. 
• Continuing to not let setbacks determine my life's path. It is a new day every day and a new meal every meal, for that matter!
• Feeling the satisfaction of a good workout. Before, I felt like it was a means to an end, but now I feel good after I know I've done my best!
• Seeing my legs get skinnier and my arms get stronger - pretty soon I'll go all Chuck Norris on someone....watch out!
• Learning to love the balance of moderation. Frozen yogurt - sure! A cocktail now and then - absolutely! A whole day full of binging - no no, Carlie!

Some goals I have are:

• Strengthen my core by getting better at the plank (practice, practice, practice)
• Get to 3 miles during my lunch hour on Tuesdays by the end of summer
• Integrate swimming laps this summer with Falish
• Hike with my loved ones (especially that super hot husband of mine (*whistle).
• Learn some new recipes to avoid boredom
• Continue to work on that moderation business

Go Team!!

XOXO - Carlie

FAIL! (and failure)//RESTART

It is embarrassing to write this post, but I feel like I wouldn't be doing my bi-weekly duty if I didn't. This weigh-in I gained 1.8 lbs. On Friday, after an awesome but crazy week, I declared a "mental break". Meaning, I could eat whatever I wanted and wasn't going to track the items or text Falishah. I had been kind of giving in here and there the weeks prior, but still stuck to a pretty good exercise and food routine. Here is what I found out about myself.

1. My genes suck. 
2. This need to binge on self-proclaimed breaks is embarrassing and unhealthy. Instead of learning to enjoy one or two treats every so often, I feel like it is my "last hurrah" and eat everything horrible, all day long. It is this unhealthy relationship with food that brought me to 314 lbs. and will keep me from my goals if I let it. I think my all or nothing attitude can bring both positive and negative outcomes, so I have to learn when to use moderation.
3. I am terrified of reaching my goal weight and not gaining the weight back. How does one just maintain their weight? I am not sure, because I have never done it. It feels like I eat a bag of chips and gain 4 lbs. (okay, definitely an exaggeration, but how I feel nonetheless). 
4. Again, I have THE BEST support network. They keep me focused on the day to day and not just how I am going to face life at my goal weight (thanks mom). They encourage me and point out what I am doing RIGHT, not just the negative cloud I currently see (thank you Jesse and Falish). And they love me, no matter if I weigh a million pounds or 5 pounds (again, with the extremes). 

How I feel today.

I also got to thinking about fear and its' ability to hold us back. I grew up with the best dad in the world and he died when I was 19 years old. He was an amazingly talented blues musician and loving daddy. He suffered as an obese man (was 450 to 600 lbs. my whole life), in that I feel he was often restricted from what he wanted to do and was penalized by the judgement that society brings on obese people. I grew up fearing his death and that I would battle the same battle (which I have since I was a teenager, but not to the extent that dad did). I remember being frustrated that he just "couldn't change". Now, I know how difficult that change is and wish I could have showed him more support in his endeavors (although I was always proud of him when he was trying). 

All of that story to say, that I will not stop trying and I will fight to win this battle (with the Lord's help) in my dad's honor. I want him to look down at his daughter and know that she overcame and most of all that Lord helped heal her food issues and any fear in her heart.

How I hope to feel in 2 weeks (maybe wearing a different outfit.)

Thank you for caring about my journey and I would love any prayers for strength!

XOXO - Carlie

On Disappointment & Getting Over It

Today was weigh-in day and it was disappointing to me. I lost 3.6 pounds in two weeks (I'm now at 234.2 lbs.). Logically, I know this is still great process and that your losing slows down as you get smaller, but it still sucks when you feel like you've worked so hard and have goals to achieve!

So what do you do?

You complain to your husband and friends and move on! In my past endeavors, I've allowed this disappointment to throw me into a tailspin of who gives a (insert your favorite word here - I'll say frick). I'm so happy that disappointment not only doesn't stall me anymore, it inspires me to try harder. There is something that has permanently changed in my brain, that will not allow me to go back to my old ways and for that I praise the Lord!


Now, acceptance. I am accepting the fact that I will not make my 225 lb. weight goal by 5/17, but I am also accepting that I've lost 80 lbs. by my gram's 80th! Score! I calculated it and I've lost 25% of my initial body weight or the average 10 to 12 year old. It is like I am free of  piggybacking that jerk child around.

One thing that I am learning is essential to my success is a plan! One area that I am currently lacking a plan in is my lunches. Sounds so simple, but I am often scrambling for something at work and then am not eating as well as I would like. I think I would like to plan some easy lunches and just like I take the time to pack my adorable husband's lunch, do the same for myself. I need healthy snacks too!

So my revised goals are get to 225, 214, and under 200 lbs. as soon as possible! I still would love to be 199 lbs. or lower by Hawaii, but I'm not going to be bummed if I don't quite make it, because eventually I will!

My family and I on Sunday.

It's Go Time!

Well, today's weigh-in was less than exciting, but expected. The last weigh-in was done while I was sick, so for this weigh-in I was hoping to just not gain or lose a little.

My dream came true (semi-sarcasm).

I lost a big, fat 1.6 lbs. Can I tell you why this doesn't discourage me? Here is why....

• This past week I worked hard and ate relatively well, but the week prior I had a winning combination of sickness or eating like I would never eat again while on vacation in AZ/CA (see earlier post - we all need a break). 
• This is a health journey, emphasis on journey. Some weeks are hard, some are awesome. Sometimes you have to claw your way through a work out and sometimes you run like the majestic cheetah that you are. Sometimes you look in the mirror and see Nicole Richie, other times you see Delta Burke (not trying to hate on that wonderful entrepreneur of plus size under garmets...haha). The journey, just like all others in life has its ups an downs, but you continue on the path, full of optimism and the vision of your future if you continue.
• Dude......dude.....I weigh 77 freaking lbs. less than I did in November.
• I have the best support network and set of encourage-rs that have ever existed, ever (this was based on a survey, where I was the sole participant). 

Anyway, I am feeling re-motivated to try my hardest these next few weigh-ins. While I do share my goals often enough, I am not sure if I pinpointed some close ones that are coming soon! 

Goal: 225 lbs. by May 17th, so I can be at the weight limit to sky dive with my grandma when she turns 80 (her idea, not mine). This is actually being pushed back to August or September, but I still want to follow through.

Goal: under 200 lbs. by the time I leave for HI on July 21st - holy crap, I better run every day forever, amen.

Me on 4/22/13, heading to circuit training. Thanks Glor for the picture!

Today's circuit training included:

• 10 minute or so warm-up (jogging, moving your arms, etc..)
• 2 circuits of ab torture (6 stations for 45 seconds each, twice)
• More run/jogging.
• Relay race
• High knees
• Cool down

Good times and I was that weirdly positive person today (like, "let's burn some calories" - said Carlie Curlee). I liked it.

My stupid bruise from tripping while jogging

So, it's go time. It's time to push myself past what I think I can do. It's time to choose strawberries instead of bites of cake. It's time to run down this hill until I reach my goal and then keep running for fun (if that will ever happen). 

XOXO

Half Way!!

Today's weigh-in was a wonderful moment, because to my surprise, I weighed 239.4lbs. This means I've lost 75lbs. and am finally half way there! Praise the Lord!

I've been sick this past weekend so that could have helped, but I'll take it! Which, by the way, is why there is another bathroom mirror pic for this one because I am at home sick.

Half way there! Praise the Lord!

I can't help but reflect on those that have helped me so much on this journey. My Falish has been my constant accountability partner and amazing workout partner on Saturdays. I just love her! My family and husband have given me constant encouragement and support. And my friends are just amazing friends - they workout with me, they encourage me, and one of them even leads the hardest workout class I have ever been a part of or will take (you are amazing Shira Jones). To say that I'm blessed is a ridiculous understatement, but that is the word I have for now.

So down the mountain I go. There are so many places and goals to visit along that downward slope! Next up - 100 lb. weight loss goal in 25 lbs. Also, my spring/summer is looking like this:

April - head to AZ/Mexico for some sunshine, family, and fun!
May - my beautiful gram turns 80 and we celebrate her.
June - headed to AK to spread my grandpa and dad's ashes as a family trip. Later on, heading to CO to visit Jesse's family.
July - saying aloha and photographing my dear friend Rondi's wedding in Maui. Falishah is coming with!

There are many more fun adventures to look forward to in those months as well. I am so excited to be traveling and visiting people I love. The gypsy part of me is smiling inside.

My heart wants to run at full speed ahead down this mountain and Lord willing, I will.

XOXO

Don't be fooled!

Progress is a natural deterrent from the major goal. Why you might ask? Let me tell you.

I'm almost to the halfway point and my body does look significantly different (yay!!). In comes the extra self-esteem and kindhearted compliments/encouragement from others. What my brain naturally does, however, is that it tells myself that I must be done now that I feel so good!

FACT: You are not done Carlie Curlee.

Alas, I must face the real facts of this incredible journey. I am going to feel better. I am going to look better. These facts do not change that there is still a ways to go. I am ecstatic that I've made it this far, but I still need every workout and every calorie goal met. I'm happy to report that I am still sticking to the plan though. In fact I did circuit training today at lunch and already feel sore (thank you very much 40 burpees!).

beautiful morning picture.....be jealous of my husband.

Speaking of goals, here are a couple coming up in the future (weighed 247.4 after Haiti):

239lbs = 1/2 way done!!
214lbs = 100lb weight loss (whaaaaaaattt?)
199lbs = my goal for Hawaii (leaving on July21st)

My next weigh-in is on April 8th - wish me luck!

XOXO

I Did It!

After not sleeping at all last night, I anxiously got on the scale at 3:20am this morning after Jesse woke up and headed to work. This was my last weigh-in before my trip to Haiti and I had a goal of being at 250lbs. To my delight the scale read 249.4! I laid in bed crying and thanking the Lord. There is something about my first major goal being satisfied that encourages me to keep going. To stop listening to myself on a poor body image day (or week for that matter) or a day where my workout just sucks.

When I woke up a couple hours later it was 249.0. So, my friends, that makes my total weight loss be 65lbs. so far!

This picture is of me today.

God's Faithfulness//A Cheat Weekend//Feeling Loved

FEELING LOVE
There aren't really the words to describe how this weekend made me feel. To say blessed or loved is the understatement of the year.

Rewind to December and you will see that we bought our first home in the beautiful town of Snoqualmie, WA. Since then, our lives have been a whirlwind trying to get our place ready to move into and ready to show at our Housewarming party that we optimistically scheduled on February 16th. Just to give you an idea of what we were able to do in a month in a half all while working full time.....

• Paint the entire house besides the guest room and couple bathrooms (this included about 4 coats of paint per room)
• Ripped out all the flooring downstairs and put in laminate flooring
• Tore down the tile around our fireplace and put up new drywall 
• Replaced 3 light fixtures
• Installed appliances

Seems like not too much to do, but it definitely can take some time. My amazing family and husband are the only reason we got this done. Speaking of my love, he installed all of our appliances and basically installed the entire floor by himself. He has worked tirelessly, oftentimes getting only a couple hours of sleep, just to make our house a home and make me happy. He is my hero.

Fast forward to this Saturday. I started my day by doing errands and picking up last minute items for our party. I was so excited to welcome so many people we love into our home! Jesse had to work until 2pm and thankfully my brother (love him!!) was home to help me. After I got home, I got to decorating with my brother, while my mommy (she is seriously amazing) and cousin Sue (flew all the way from Alaska to be at our party) helped with the food. All of a sudden things were coming together. All of the hodge podge of decorations and ideas were actually looking pretty. 

Our first guests were my Osborn family, because they had to come a little early. It was so great to see them and not only did the spend time with us, my aunty helped vacuum! So awesome - I really needed the help!

4pm rolled around and people just kept arriving! My cousins flew up from CA and visited. Church family and work friends came. Family and best friends (who are family) showed up. I think we tested the maximum occupancy in our home and saw at least 60 people come through. What an amazing blessing to know we are surrounded by all of these people in our life. Hilarious, loving, & kind, individuals that actually care about Jesse and I. It is enough to overwhelm the hardest of hearts. What a day!

GOD'S FAITHFULNESS

The next day, I was going to speak at our church during announcements about my upcoming Haiti Mission trip that my mom and I are going on. I.AM.SO.EXCITED. Well, I had paid most of my way to Haiti and then was blessed by receiving $250 from my cousin's company and $250 from our church. I was up there thanking the church, explaining what I will be doing, asking for prayer, and per the suggestion of my pastor let everyone know how much I had left to raise. That amount was $350. Now, being in front of a bunch of people talking about your financial need, is not what I would call "comfortable" or "easy", but I am learning that we rarely see God's blessing in those environments.

Something about me, is that my plague in life is my doubtingthomasness (if you will). I think my faith is the smallest of mustard seeds and I am always praying for my faith to grow. 

Well all of this to say, random church family members proceeded to hand me money throughout the service. I knew I had to speak at the next service and didn't want to say I needed $350 if that wasn't true, so I quickly counted the money. Guess how much I had?

Yep.

You're right.

Exactly $350. MIND BLOWN. 

A CHEAT WEEKEND

Well...I had decided that I wasn't going to count calories and do what I wanted this weekend. Some things I learned are this:

• A cheat, every once and awhile is good for your heart. It really is.
• Things I thought would be AMAZING, weren't. I ate some Nachos at a hockey game and they tasted like doodoo (don't worry, I still finished them). This tells me that much of what my mind tells me when I am tempted, is pure bolshevik.
• Praise the Lord, my self-control is stronger. I got right back on the horse on Monday. I am still 100% committed to my goal and look forward to my weigh-in on next Monday (only 8lbs to 250lbs!!).
• Make it count! I went to Salty's brunch and had delish Housewarming food to savor. None of this McDonald's cheat business. 
• Lastly, this way of eating makes my body feel like crap. It is the truth. Healthy things in, happy body. Fried deliciousness in, happy mouth, but angry body.

The last tidbit of fun from the weekend, actually happened on Friday. I got to help celebrate my friend's birthday with a group nose piercing party! I feel more like me again with my bedazzled nose. I missed those girls dearly and it was a joy to see them.

In summary, I'm thankful. xoxoxo

Keep Going!!

My theme in life is keep going! I tell myself that when I'm running and want to go take a nap or don't think I can go further. I tell myself that on my "fat" days. It is amazing what the mind can tell you about yourself. Positive thinking and prayer can do wonders for my spirit.

My treadmill interval time on Tuesdays keeps getting better! PTL

The facts of today are that I lost another 6.6 lbs. as of Monday and I ran further than ever in my 35 minute workout today. Only 8.4 lbs to go to reach my first major goal of getting to and below 250lbs. The next mini goal I have is 239lbs. This will mean I am half way done and that, my friends, is only 19lbs. away!

Me, on February 12th. 

Wishing all, happy goal setting!

XOXO